You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I could make wine with my vomit
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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