yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
