I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
