Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
