plz talk dirty to me
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize