she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
