you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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