Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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