is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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