I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
