I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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