im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
