I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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