remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
