so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
