he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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