Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
