I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
