I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
