my phone needs a breathalizer
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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