I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
