there's paper in my vomit.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
