Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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