Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
