I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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