His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
