Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
