Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I love you. Go after that dick
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
