I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
