I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
