Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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