Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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