your parents love me but you hate me
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
