I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
