we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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