booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
