he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
