I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
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