i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
How does one acquire holy water?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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