My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
