Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
