Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
