Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
