did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize