Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Randomize