worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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