i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
