My cat gives me a boner
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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