if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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