You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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