my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
