Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
