I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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