She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
