guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
