I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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