could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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