I can tuck mytits in my pants
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
