This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
