i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
