I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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