I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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