she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
All I want is dick and wine.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
