Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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