i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
