i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
