we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
