she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
