He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize