Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
