Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
